Anger...

    I've always had a hard time with keeping my anger under control with family. Friends or strangers on the other hand, I can keep my cool, smile, and know that I can walk away. As our family has grown in our short little marriage, my temper has been showing itself more and more, which has helped my husband's temper reveal itself as well.
Saturday was one of those days where, I wanted to get caught up on our house work (life's been kinda crazy). The kids were actually doing pretty well with helping, so long as they knew snack time was coming soon or that they'd be able to go outside as soon as one of the rooms was finished. My husband, JZ, has been recovering from a procedure, so he helped as much as he could sitting down. We were finishing up a room and I hear JZ scream. I run in just in time to see him punch a hole into our wall. Our daughter, E, wanted to jump into Daddy's lap and landed right on his stitches. JZ was in so much pain that he was in tears (not a normal thing for him...) Once I made sure he was ok, I went back to find my kids, wide eyed with fear, our second oldest, M, with tears in his eyes. I saw it. Our anger had made our children scared. I felt a pit grow in my stomach. I knew what it was like to be scared, to be yelled at. I just did something that I remember promising myself that I would never do. I made my children feel less than the children of God that they are. JZ and I both realized we needed to change. I found a talk that has helped. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger?lang=eng

I need to just stop. It's hard work. I've gone so long with just letting my anger run wild, that I have to constantly pull myself back. Even now, while I'm sitting here waiting for my kids to go to bed, I've started yelling and getting mad at them. I am responsible for my actions and how I'm feeling inside, these kids aren't making me do anything. I get mad. But my kids don't deserve to be yelled at, no matter how many times I've told them to put their heads down. Love is a big key to my beliefs and I just need to dig deep inside to find my love for them.
This is another reason why I've started this blog. I'm going to do my best to be real. I'm going to be honest with what's going on inside my head and vent it out. I'm a real mom and need to start acting like it.

I Confess, I'm NOT Perfect

     This last Sunday at church, a sister said something that hit me, "Throughout the years I've learned that I don't need approval from anyone else. As long as the Lord approves of what I am doing, I am doing what I'm supposed to." I've been thinking about it all day. How many of us look at each other and think, "That mom has it all together. Why am I failing?" I do all the time. 

     In my house, dishes are always piling up, I'm constantly digging through the laundry baskets trying to find some clean underwear, my front room should have a "DISASTER" sign posted. And it's not because I'm  off playing with the kids or out doing some kind of service. Somedays I just want to sit down and watch some Netflix.  But at the end of the day, I look back and see how much I didn't do. Even on days like today, I did dishes this morning (10 Points!), Started some laundry (10 Points!), remembered to move that laundry into the dryer (20 Points!!!), I stripped beds and got that laundry started (10 Points!), made the beds that I have another set of sheets (10 Points!). Hey I got at least 50 Points today! But wait... 

     After I made my bed, coconut juice got spilled on it. The bed had to be re-stripped (Not my fault, why am I upset?) and I haven't transferred our sheets into the dryer (Oh... That's why I'm upset. -10 Points). Putting the kids to bed, I realize that the two beds that don't have another set of sheets didn't make it out of the dryer, so the boys have to sleep on a blanket over their mattresses (-10 Points). Dishes didn't get done after lunch or dinner (-20 Points). The carpet under the table hasn't been vacuumed for the last two days and can't be done now that the kids are in bed (-20 Points, 10 per day). And that's not all that's gone through my head from the time I said good night to the kids to when I turned on the laptop. I'm at -60 Points... 

     So going back to this last Sunday, I decided that I can't compare myself to other women, even my mom, who seemed to have the house in perfect order all the time. Heavenly Father knows, I tried, maybe not my hardest, but I'm still trying. I'll do a little bit more tomorrow and forget about all the negatives of today. SO, what I'm going to do is:

     After I made my bed, coconut juice got spilled on it. The bed had to be re-stripped (Not my fault, why am I upset?) and I haven't transferred our sheets into the dryer (Oh... That's why I'm upset. -10 Points). Putting the kids to bed, I realize that the two beds that don't have another set of sheets didn't make it out of the dryer, so the boys have to sleep on a blanket over their mattresses (-10 Points). Dishes didn't get done after lunch or dinner (-20 Points). The carpet under the table hasn't been vacuumed for the last two days and can't be done now that the kids are in bed (-20 Points, 10 per day). And that's not all that's gone through my head from the time I said good night to the kids to when I turned on the laptop. I'm at -60 Points... 

     Tomorrow I am starting over. And what I get done is what I get done.

The End