Anger...

    I've always had a hard time with keeping my anger under control with family. Friends or strangers on the other hand, I can keep my cool, smile, and know that I can walk away. As our family has grown in our short little marriage, my temper has been showing itself more and more, which has helped my husband's temper reveal itself as well.
Saturday was one of those days where, I wanted to get caught up on our house work (life's been kinda crazy). The kids were actually doing pretty well with helping, so long as they knew snack time was coming soon or that they'd be able to go outside as soon as one of the rooms was finished. My husband, JZ, has been recovering from a procedure, so he helped as much as he could sitting down. We were finishing up a room and I hear JZ scream. I run in just in time to see him punch a hole into our wall. Our daughter, E, wanted to jump into Daddy's lap and landed right on his stitches. JZ was in so much pain that he was in tears (not a normal thing for him...) Once I made sure he was ok, I went back to find my kids, wide eyed with fear, our second oldest, M, with tears in his eyes. I saw it. Our anger had made our children scared. I felt a pit grow in my stomach. I knew what it was like to be scared, to be yelled at. I just did something that I remember promising myself that I would never do. I made my children feel less than the children of God that they are. JZ and I both realized we needed to change. I found a talk that has helped. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/agency-and-anger?lang=eng

I need to just stop. It's hard work. I've gone so long with just letting my anger run wild, that I have to constantly pull myself back. Even now, while I'm sitting here waiting for my kids to go to bed, I've started yelling and getting mad at them. I am responsible for my actions and how I'm feeling inside, these kids aren't making me do anything. I get mad. But my kids don't deserve to be yelled at, no matter how many times I've told them to put their heads down. Love is a big key to my beliefs and I just need to dig deep inside to find my love for them.
This is another reason why I've started this blog. I'm going to do my best to be real. I'm going to be honest with what's going on inside my head and vent it out. I'm a real mom and need to start acting like it.